57 Comebacks To Verbally Destroy a Bully

By Billie •  Updated: 09/29/21 •  6 min read

Savagely Funny Insults and Comebacks To Shut Down a Bully

People who are unhappy with themselves cannot possibly be happy with you, and there are a lot of unhappy people out there.

We’ve all been in a situation where someone insulted us or made fun of us and we lacked a response (until 5 minutes later, or the next morning in the shower, of course.).

Looking for good comebacks to use on that person who always seems to go out of their way to get on your nerves? Well, here are a collection of witty comebacks to use against stupid people, keeping in mind that silence is the best reply to a fool.

Apply whenever appropriate, but remember: it’s okay to be angry, but it’s never okay to be cruel (your judgment may differ).

25 Phrases That Stop Bullies in Their Tracks

You remind me of a migraine.
  1. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
  2. You’re giving me a lot of your attention, and while I’m flattered, I’m not available. [More breakup texts]
  3. In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion. Nice try, though.
  4. You may think you’re a big person, but strong people don’t put others down, they lift them up.
  5. I’m gonna need you to put those few remaining brains cells together and work with me here, okay? I’m not interested in what you have to say. Good-bye.
  6. It’s always the ones with the dirty hands pointing the fingers.
  7. Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your foot in your mouth and your head up your @ss all at the same time?
  8. I may not be perfect but at least I’m not you.
  9. Revenge is not in my plans; you’ll f*ck yourself on your own.
  10. You have mistaken me for someone who gives a sh*t.
  11. Don’t raise your voice — improve your argument.
  12. You can’t fix yourself by trying to break someone else.
  13. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.
  14. If it doesn’t involve you, it shouldn’t concern you.
  15. How you make others feel about themselves, says a lot about you.
  16. One day, you will go far. And please do not come back.
  17. I have seen more personality in a rusty hoe handle.
  18. Feel free to leave; it’s not a crime to be stupid.
  19. I would appreciate it if you do not interrupt me in my ignoring time.
  20. Of course I talk like an idiot — how else could you understand me?
  21. Since you seem to know everything, how are you so unaware of when to shut up?
  22. I heard they launched a new app called “Life” — maybe you should get it.
  23. Do you always behave this dumb, or do you make a special effort when I am around?
  24. I’m sure you will get a reasonable price if you sell that brain of yours, it seems virtually unused and new.
  25. I don’t know what it is that makes you so stupid but it really works.

14 Snappy Comebacks For Office Bullies / Mean Girls in the Workplace

  1. It must be hard putting make-up on your two faces every day.
  2. Oops, my bad; I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.
  3. Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, just like stupid falls from yours.
  4. Here’s a tissue, you have a little bullsh*t on your lip.
  5. Maybe you should eat some make-up so you can be pretty on the inside, too.
  6. Maybe you could get your own life and stop interfering in mine.
  7. If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
  8. Is your drama going to an intermission soon?
  9. If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful?
  10. Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
  11. If I really were a bitch, I’d make your life a living hell. But instead I’ll just sit back and watch you do it yourself.
  12. Did my back hurt your knife?
  13. I do not recall subscribing to your issues.
  14. Continue talking: one day, you will say something meaningful.

18 Sarcastic Insults for Roasting Bullies

You must have mistaken me for somebody who gives a damn.

A sarcastic comment is a polite way of insulting someone, and is especially effective if the person is unable to grasp or notice the insult.

  1. I do not mind you talking a lot, as long as you do not mind me not paying attention.
  2. It is my fault, it seems I have overestimated the number of brain cells you have available.
  3. You have all the time in the world to be stupid. It is a brilliant idea to take today off.
  4. Once in a while, anyone can do a stupid act, but you are abusing the privilege.
  5. If ignorance is a bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
  6. You seem unusually tired today, were you thinking?
  7. I apologize for inconveniencing your ego with my brutal honesty.
  8. I suppose that you do not consider home-school an option for your kids.
  9. You bring me immeasurable joy the moment you step outside the door.
  10. I’d like to congratulate you on your commitment to pushing boundaries: every time I think that you cannot possibly say anything more dumb, you prove me wrong.
  11. Calm down. Take a deep breath, and hold it for approximately twenty minutes.
  12. It’s okay if you don’t like me; not everyone has good taste.
  13. You’re like a software update, whenever I see you I think not now.
  14. You are most certainly entitled to your incorrect opinion.
  15. I would love to agree with you, but I hate being wrong.
  16. Do you remember when I solicited your opinion? Me neither.
  17. Brains aren’t everything; in fact, in your case they’re nothing.
  18. Talking to you makes me realize why toothpaste tubes come with instructions.

And Two Replies to Insulting Comebacks

  1. Your village called. They said they lost their idiot.
  2. Your comeback was so stupid it didn’t even come back.

Why are Bullies Such Douche-bags?

To know what to say to a bully, you must first understand the psychology of a bully. Bullies usually have low self-esteem and attempt to counter their feelings of worthlessness by attempting to control or belittle others. Often, bullies have been abused at the hands of other bullies, and so the cycle continues.

While this doesn’t justify their behaviour, it helps to know that the bully’s actions have little to do with you and everything to do with how sad or pathetic his or her own life is. But managing a bully’s emotions isn’t your responsibility — asserting boundaries and putting them in their place, however, is your responsibility. Stand up for yourself with these tried-and-true comebacks.

Or take the high road and focus on living your best life! That enrages the haters. Focus on building connections and making friends instead.


I like to climb mountains, read Nietzsche, and explore the West Coast. I have a BA from York University (2003) in Toronto, Canada, and yet on this site I sometimes spell like an American (know your audience). Thank you. Thank you very much.

Keep Reading